Why Is This So Significant?

What I mean by "this" is change.  Why is change such a big deal?  Why have I never been able to deal with it?

I opened the file called "writersblock", which is a compilation of all of my blog posts from 2002-2006.  I deleted them a couple years ago and put them all on that document, because, let's be honest, it was about time to let go of some of those old ones.  But it's strange, reading those old posts from 2002 and 2003 - six years old, man.  And, I'll just say it, I was definitely a better writer when I was younger - probably because I read more.  Who knows...?

But it's so sad to me.  I don't like thinking about those years, because I can't help wondering who I would be if some of that shit hadn't happened?  There was so much more that went on in Sweden than what I wrote on my blog, and the person I was when I came back was so completely different than the person I was before I went, or really the person I would have been if I hadn't gone.  And that sounds like no big deal, because that's what happens.  But it still makes me feel angry that I did it.  

I'm rambling.  I blame Scrubs.  I just watched the series finale, and it made me sad, like when I watched the series finale of Six Feet Under (fantastic show, by the way).  And probably the way I felt when I watched the last Gilmore Girls episode.  Whatever.  I hate change, and I'm terrified of what's coming next.  I keep looking to Philadelphia as this monumental, life changing thing, and I know I'm going to be disappointed if I see it that way.  But what can I do?  I'm barely holding on here.  Sort of like how I felt the summer before I went to Sweden (I won't pretend that I don't see a pattern).  All I can look forward to is one thing, and nothing past that seems even remotely clear because I know how big of a life changing thing it is.  That's how I feel right now:  like I'm looking at my future and seeing nothing past July.

And I feel like I'm going crazy.