Morning

A couple days ago I volunteered to drive my pastor's wife to the airport in Omaha at 3:30 in the morning.  It's not a long drive, and the round trip usually ends up being somewhere around 2 hours.  But this morning there was an ungodly amount of fog everywhere.  Driving there was worse because it was dark, and there wasn't much traffic.  But as I explained to Karen, I love driving early in the morning - I don't care where I am or what it's like (as long as it's not blizzarding, hailing, or pouring rain), I love driving in the early morning.  I love being awake early in the morning.  

On my way back to Lincoln, it began to get brighter, and something magnificent happened to the fog.  It became the same color as the sky (which, I suppose, isn't really that amazing).  The reason it looked so cool was because I was suddenly surrounded by blue everywhere - in every direction.  It was like driving through the ocean - with slight traffic and some construction.  Seriously.  It was really cool.

I think the most tragic part of my sleeping difficulties is that I am never waking up in the morning.  If I see the sunrise, it's usually because someone has dragged me out of bed or because I haven't gone to sleep.  This morning it was because I hadn't slept.  It wasn't a huge sacrifice to drive Karen to the airport in the middle of the night/early morning.  The real problem was an appointment I spaced at 10 AM, so there was little chance I'd make it if I slept.  So, here I am, blogging (and probably not doing a very good job of it) at 6:30 in the morning.  But, I'm not really complaining, because this is probably the only morning I'll see for a while...

Sleeping is a curse

I can only feel so bad about missing everything. Missing church, though tragic, is not as bad in my mind as missing a test. But I wish anyway that I hadn't missed anything. I hate that sinking feeling that I get when I wake up and the clock tells me that I've been sleeping a lot longer than I should have. And no one can tell me why my alarm can go off for hours and I don't hear it. The longer this goes on, the less I believe anyone cares.

Who would have ever guessed...

that when I walked into the Keyzer male establishment I would be greeted in such a way. First, I was nervous because a guy was there that, when I had last seen him, told me he hated me, because I hadn't returned any of his phone calls. That was during a time when the only people I talked to on the phone were Gunter, Beca, and Ember. But, he was incredibly friendly, and even suggested we "catch up". Finally, the opportunity to apologize, right? Then, Matt, who let me just say was beyond drunk, told me, "Becca, you're a good person. I hope you know that I mean that." If you know my history with Matt, this is probably the last thing I would ever expect him to say to me, but, hey, he totally did. And then there was the cuddling with David (who, I think, was also kind of drunk, but whatever). It was kind of like the old days, before all that other crap.
One thing I know about those two boys, whom I love like brothers (though I'm not really sure what it would be like to have a brother since I don't have any), is that they are both collapsing deep down. I feel like a cliche saying this, but they both want Jesus so badly, and I think they both know it deep down but won't accept it. And that kills me.
They both called me a recluse tonight. I take some satisfaction in that, since it was their fault I kind of hid out in my apartment. I don't mind it now, being alone I mean, but they don't know me like that. The Becca they know is super dependent and outgoing. So I can see how it would be hard for them to fathom a "reclusive" Becca. That's alright with me.
I would love to say that I'm "over" what happened last year - losing them in such a dramatic and let me just say stupid way - but I know that I'm not really. I mean, I don't hold it against them anymore. I really don't. But I don't trust anyone in that family now. I know that's sad, but I think that's fair too. I put so much trust in them (I never knew people like them), only to feel totally betrayed. When I look at those months now, I know that it was completely a blessing in disguise, but it was one of the most difficult trials I have ever faced - I could barely get of bed - and I don't want to suffer like that ever again.
How do you learn to trust people? I've never been very good at it. I think most of the time I chose to trust them on a surface level but never trusted them on that deeper more spiritual end. If I can't learn to trust them or even my own family, how will I ever learn to trust a man enough to marry him? That's not my "goal" in life, but I want that kind of relationship someday, you know? I want that "forever" kind of thing. But I'm not sure that I am the kind of person that gets the "forever". Luckily, Rob Bell points out, God can fill that hole too. Whatever. I felt that those last few hours of my evening were worth documenting. They were super drunk and won't remember what they said to me, and they'll also never know how important it was for me to hear them speaking the truth finally - and find out, on top of that - that I actually still matter to them, and they feel the loss of me. It's always nice to know you're missed, you know? Especially by people who betrayed you.

Songwriter Power Ranger

This is the flier I made for Ember's new deal at the Box Awesome.

More New Designs

Bethany and I worked on some designs tonight.  The top one is a t-shirt design, middle one is a "logo" of sorts, and the bottom one is a business card I designed for Andrea, one of the people I'm living with.  She designs purses, by the way, and they're awesome. Anyway, I'm pretty proud of these.

Daylight

Anyone who knows me may have guessed that it has been...probably close to months since I saw a sunrise.  Today is the first time in a really, really long time, and I'll be honest, it made me feel kind of sad.  As of now, there are no new discoveries regarding my sleeping problems, and my future feels kind of dark.  Not dark like I have no future.  No, I mean dark in regards to the lack of daylight I seem to see.  I remember a month when I was going to Dordt back...four years ago when I saw sunsets and sunrises but nothing inbetween.  That was a difficult time.  I need the sun.

I just spent several hours with Spanky discussing some of the problems associated with our worship team.  The problems are too long to list, so I won't even try.  What is so difficult about all of that mess is that I am no longer a functioning member of the worship team.  I substitute here and there, but I do not consider myself part of the team (my choice, not theirs), so some of this stuff has nothing to do with me.  On the other hand, I still feel a strong link to the team, and I can feel the tension growing and feel completely helpless as far as stopping it.  It isn't my job or my place to tell anyone what to do, but I think I can say, at least, that the team needs to be communicating.  And they aren't.

That seems to be an incredibly huge problem.  No one can communicate effectively with other people (me included, thus the blog).  I see it with the couple I live with; I see it in the worship team; I see it in my friendships; I can even see it in the classroom.  Why did this happen?  What happened to the human ability to communicate with one another? 

I can't help recalling a message I heard (yes, Mars Hill) a couple years ago, that I have listened to a few hundred times since, called "When You Can't Go On".  The speaker was a man named Brad Gray, and he began talking about the pain of suffering through trials and losses, and also about how incapable people are with communicating during difficult circumstances.  Rob Bell also talked about this during one of his Lamentations messages (about two months ago).  The idea is this:  If we haven't learned to deal with our own pain, how can we sympathize with someone else's pain?  Brad Gray mentioned a statistic in his message.  The average person asks two meaningful questions per conversation.  That's how things are.  All of us are holding something in, especially me.  And it's tearing everything up.

Sunrises are supposed to be symbols of new beginnings.  That's what I'm told.  But what I feel even more is that my future, dark or whatever, isn't going to be hopeless.  I still get to see the sunrise every so often.  And those times are worth the wait sometimes.

My best design yet.

The next step is to get this on a t-shirt.  Wouldn't it look awesome?