Re-Identification

How do you let go of a person you were and become the person you want to be? Why am I even asking a question like that? I have decided, for the hundredth time, to quit smoking. I wanted to quit before I headed off to Philadelphia, but what I'm finding is that quitting isn't so much "quitting" as it is "reidentifying". I have been smoking since I was 16. And as some people already know, I considered it, at the time, the lesser of two evils. There's no point in rehashing that whole process. The thing that bothers me is that I cannot seem to overcome this first step: Just getting rid of my cigarettes. I think that a part of me thinks I will fail, and that I will be miserable without them. The other strange thing about this time is that I actually believe I can quit. Why do I believe that? I'm really asking.
I'm hoping to document my journey through smoking cessation here on this blog (that no one is reading, but who cares), not only for someone else's benefit, but also as a kind of "accountability". It helps that no one is reading this blog, because it will be easier for me to be honest. Tomorrow is my official "quit" date. And I will keep you updated.

The reason I called this post "Re-Identification" is because that is really the process my life is going through right now. First, I had to manipulate my perception of myself as a healthy person into that of a semi-unhealthy person. You can't consider yourself "healthy" when doctors tell you that your Vitamin D is toxically low, that you have something akin to Narcolepsy, and that you are bipolar (and have borderline personality disorder (I took that with a grain of salt)). I will never qualify for health insurance...and I've come to grips with that... Second, I had to change my perception of myself from a student to, well, a worker. I am no longer a student, because I am no longer in school. That, particularly, was difficult. It might have been easier if I had finished a degree, but I didn't - and it has been incredibly hard. Third, I went from completely independent to almost totally dependent. I no longer pay bills or cook my own food. I own almost nothing, and I cannot see a time in the near future when I that trend will reverse itself. So, now, this identity of rebellious, smoking, drinking rock chick is the last one standing. I don't consider myself "rebellious" anymore; I call it "alternative" now (with a smile). But the smoking thing, which used to be a socializing mechanism, has become a way of isolating myself. No one would believe how much I like isolating myself. And that identity has replaced some of my old ones...
I'm not sure how much my life should change. I only know that I can barely handle one thing changing at a time. But cigarettes are expensive, and I'll die someday if I don't quit. I know it, even if I don't really think about it. So, I'm going to quit. Tomorrow. June 1st.

Why Is This So Significant?

What I mean by "this" is change.  Why is change such a big deal?  Why have I never been able to deal with it?

I opened the file called "writersblock", which is a compilation of all of my blog posts from 2002-2006.  I deleted them a couple years ago and put them all on that document, because, let's be honest, it was about time to let go of some of those old ones.  But it's strange, reading those old posts from 2002 and 2003 - six years old, man.  And, I'll just say it, I was definitely a better writer when I was younger - probably because I read more.  Who knows...?

But it's so sad to me.  I don't like thinking about those years, because I can't help wondering who I would be if some of that shit hadn't happened?  There was so much more that went on in Sweden than what I wrote on my blog, and the person I was when I came back was so completely different than the person I was before I went, or really the person I would have been if I hadn't gone.  And that sounds like no big deal, because that's what happens.  But it still makes me feel angry that I did it.  

I'm rambling.  I blame Scrubs.  I just watched the series finale, and it made me sad, like when I watched the series finale of Six Feet Under (fantastic show, by the way).  And probably the way I felt when I watched the last Gilmore Girls episode.  Whatever.  I hate change, and I'm terrified of what's coming next.  I keep looking to Philadelphia as this monumental, life changing thing, and I know I'm going to be disappointed if I see it that way.  But what can I do?  I'm barely holding on here.  Sort of like how I felt the summer before I went to Sweden (I won't pretend that I don't see a pattern).  All I can look forward to is one thing, and nothing past that seems even remotely clear because I know how big of a life changing thing it is.  That's how I feel right now:  like I'm looking at my future and seeing nothing past July.

And I feel like I'm going crazy.

Beautiful

I heard this beautiful song on Bones the other night, and, well, it got me.  

Here are the lyrics:

Maria Taylor - Time Lapse Lifeline

I'm keeping up, keeping up with the time lapse lifeline / And they can run they can run from the font to the last rites / And we can hear we can hear the first beat to the flat line / I'm keeping up, keeping up with the time lapse lifeline / And once it's done

Oh we dream a life / It was just like that, was like that / And just like that, and just like that it's done / Oh we dream a life / It was just like that, was like that / And just like that, and just like that it's done

Back it up, back it up / Stop, fast-forward, rewind / And watch the sun watch the moon taking turns in the same sky /And you were dead as the leaves now you're new like the spring-time / Back it up, back it up / Stop, fast-forward, rewind / And once it's done

Oh we dream a life / It was just like that, was like that / And just like that, and just like that it's done / Oh we dream a life / It was just like that, was like that / And just like that, and just like that it's done

Still we stand with the help of a steady hand / Capture images of boy and man / Till it's done
And 7 years combined is just a flicker of neon sign / Little negative of hopes replayed / Till they're done, oh they're done

Oh we dream a life / It was just like, was like that / And just like that, and just like that it's done
Oh we dream a life / It was just like, was like that / And just like that, and just like that it's done

Time Lapse Lifeline - Maria Taylor