Re-Identification

How do you let go of a person you were and become the person you want to be? Why am I even asking a question like that? I have decided, for the hundredth time, to quit smoking. I wanted to quit before I headed off to Philadelphia, but what I'm finding is that quitting isn't so much "quitting" as it is "reidentifying". I have been smoking since I was 16. And as some people already know, I considered it, at the time, the lesser of two evils. There's no point in rehashing that whole process. The thing that bothers me is that I cannot seem to overcome this first step: Just getting rid of my cigarettes. I think that a part of me thinks I will fail, and that I will be miserable without them. The other strange thing about this time is that I actually believe I can quit. Why do I believe that? I'm really asking.
I'm hoping to document my journey through smoking cessation here on this blog (that no one is reading, but who cares), not only for someone else's benefit, but also as a kind of "accountability". It helps that no one is reading this blog, because it will be easier for me to be honest. Tomorrow is my official "quit" date. And I will keep you updated.

The reason I called this post "Re-Identification" is because that is really the process my life is going through right now. First, I had to manipulate my perception of myself as a healthy person into that of a semi-unhealthy person. You can't consider yourself "healthy" when doctors tell you that your Vitamin D is toxically low, that you have something akin to Narcolepsy, and that you are bipolar (and have borderline personality disorder (I took that with a grain of salt)). I will never qualify for health insurance...and I've come to grips with that... Second, I had to change my perception of myself from a student to, well, a worker. I am no longer a student, because I am no longer in school. That, particularly, was difficult. It might have been easier if I had finished a degree, but I didn't - and it has been incredibly hard. Third, I went from completely independent to almost totally dependent. I no longer pay bills or cook my own food. I own almost nothing, and I cannot see a time in the near future when I that trend will reverse itself. So, now, this identity of rebellious, smoking, drinking rock chick is the last one standing. I don't consider myself "rebellious" anymore; I call it "alternative" now (with a smile). But the smoking thing, which used to be a socializing mechanism, has become a way of isolating myself. No one would believe how much I like isolating myself. And that identity has replaced some of my old ones...
I'm not sure how much my life should change. I only know that I can barely handle one thing changing at a time. But cigarettes are expensive, and I'll die someday if I don't quit. I know it, even if I don't really think about it. So, I'm going to quit. Tomorrow. June 1st.