that when I walked into the Keyzer male establishment I would be greeted in such a way. First, I was nervous because a guy was there that, when I had last seen him, told me he hated me, because I hadn't returned any of his phone calls. That was during a time when the only people I talked to on the phone were Gunter, Beca, and Ember. But, he was incredibly friendly, and even suggested we "catch up". Finally, the opportunity to apologize, right? Then, Matt, who let me just say was beyond drunk, told me, "Becca, you're a good person. I hope you know that I mean that." If you know my history with Matt, this is probably the last thing I would ever expect him to say to me, but, hey, he totally did. And then there was the cuddling with David (who, I think, was also kind of drunk, but whatever). It was kind of like the old days, before all that other crap.
One thing I know about those two boys, whom I love like brothers (though I'm not really sure what it would be like to have a brother since I don't have any), is that they are both collapsing deep down. I feel like a cliche saying this, but they both want Jesus so badly, and I think they both know it deep down but won't accept it. And that kills me.
They both called me a recluse tonight. I take some satisfaction in that, since it was their fault I kind of hid out in my apartment. I don't mind it now, being alone I mean, but they don't know me like that. The Becca they know is super dependent and outgoing. So I can see how it would be hard for them to fathom a "reclusive" Becca. That's alright with me.
I would love to say that I'm "over" what happened last year - losing them in such a dramatic and let me just say stupid way - but I know that I'm not really. I mean, I don't hold it against them anymore. I really don't. But I don't trust anyone in that family now. I know that's sad, but I think that's fair too. I put so much trust in them (I never knew people like them), only to feel totally betrayed. When I look at those months now, I know that it was completely a blessing in disguise, but it was one of the most difficult trials I have ever faced - I could barely get of bed - and I don't want to suffer like that ever again.
How do you learn to trust people? I've never been very good at it. I think most of the time I chose to trust them on a surface level but never trusted them on that deeper more spiritual end. If I can't learn to trust them or even my own family, how will I ever learn to trust a man enough to marry him? That's not my "goal" in life, but I want that kind of relationship someday, you know? I want that "forever" kind of thing. But I'm not sure that I am the kind of person that gets the "forever". Luckily, Rob Bell points out, God can fill that hole too. Whatever. I felt that those last few hours of my evening were worth documenting. They were super drunk and won't remember what they said to me, and they'll also never know how important it was for me to hear them speaking the truth finally - and find out, on top of that - that I actually still matter to them, and they feel the loss of me. It's always nice to know you're missed, you know? Especially by people who betrayed you.
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Do you realize that is the night you always remember when you remember cuddling with David? And here everyone thought you were in love with him, but it's right there, right where you knew no one could see it, that you loved him like a brother. Just remember. It doesn't matter what they think about how you felt about him. You loved him, and you miss him, and that is your right.
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